keep believing

i had a paper each on saturday, monday, tuesday and wednesday, and my last paper will be on the day i turn twenty one years and a month old. my neighbour helped me declare my freedom after my paper yesterday, and i think i will have to declare emergency state if i don’t get material soon enough. materials science, in the material world.

i went shopping and did some catching up with my sisters. we were supposed to do that over dinner on sunday but i had to make new friends and had pat laughed at me.
traffic jams can kill. i spent ten bucks on cab to go to clementi mrt from sheares. madness. the smart people of the world should find a solution to traffic jams. while the stupid ones can contribute by not wasting electricity. i should stop leaving my computer on when i’m away. save the earth. stop global warming.

christmas is coming.
christmas is happy. christmas is a good marketing strategy. christmas is parties and celebrations. christmas is shopping. christmas is santa claus. christmas is green and red. christmas is overdecorated orchard road. christmas is presents. christmas is snowy. christmas is end of year sale. christmas is jingle bells. christmas is trees made pretty.
what is christmas to you?

i wonder how people who do not know what christmas is celebrate christmas.
it is happy without you knowing its meaning. it is euphoric beyond words when you know its meaning. it’s like infinite happiness, the ultimate joy.

i have two more papers left, one in six hours time and another one in six days. i enjoyed my papers so far, no panicking, no blank out, though i think i could have done better.
let God.

my brain warms up a little bit too slowly. and it needs high pressure and a lot of work before it can start working properly. how to keep it warm? it’s too hard to start up the engine all over again everytime i need it.

i shall fear no more. have confidence before God, in the Cross. i don’t trust me but i trust His plan.
to accept correction as direction.

i read the paper today. it’s been some time since i last touched newspaper, and i suddenly think it is now so painful to flip through the paper. bombing in iraq, suicidal bombing by a grandma who took revenge for her grandsons, racial conflicts in malaysia, water shortage in china, maid abuse and sexpo in singapore. every page contains at least one sad news or a handphone promotion advertisement. and how about the gas pipe explosion in sidoarjo. the world is scary. i can just ignore all the tragedies happening around the globe and go on with my life selfishly, happily. or not.

i read a parable from the bible. i like parables. they are for those with spiritual dullness.
Behold, a sower went forth to sow… Some (seeds) fell upon stony places, where they had not much earth: and forthwith they sprung up, because they had no deepness of earth: And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away. And some fell among thorns; and the thorns sprung up, and choked them. Mat 13: 3-7

please pray for me that i am not a stony place, …that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it; Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended, nor am i surrounded by thorns, …that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful. Mat 13:20-22

my study happy happy study is back! i studied. i happy. lalallalallalaa.

sherly made me cry this morning. ask her why.

i was cooking my lunch in the pantry (by cooking, i mean using the microwave, and by lunch, i mean instant nooddle from a friend) when i looked out of the window and i saw a malay boy and a chinese girl playing on the field of the neighbouring building. the girl was learning how to ride a bike and the boy was helping her, holding the bike while she’s trying to balance and pedal. just when i thought it was the sweetest thing ever, the boy let go of the bike and ran away laughing. the girl almost fell down but she balanced herself and continued trying on her own. while the boy jumped into a puddle of rainwater and danced happily. he reminds me of my naughty student in kumon.
moral of the story: 1. boys will be boys. 2. boys are evil. 3. girls don’t give up easily, keep trying :)
but i like small boys.

how i wish i never had to grow up. adults are boring. talking about a kid trapped in an adult’s body, during night cycling, a guy in my group told us the real story of peter pan, the story before it was touched and made nice and fancy by disney. sherly won’t like this.

peter pan is actually the bad guy, a paedophile who eats small children. he goes around kidnapping children, and he gets away by pretending to be nice and innocent and happy. peter pan is really mean and nasty, and captain hook is actually the good guy who wishes to save all those children from him.
to hear this is like knowing for the first time that santa claus never exists.
there are more stories, like cinderella and her tuition teacher, which will just crush the child inside you.

i always see small children, from my window, playing and laughing and dancing and shouting and running around the building next door which turns out to be the haven of salvation army. they always make my day.

The Haven is a residential home for abandoned, abused and neglected children, mostly referred to The Salvation Army for care by the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports.

abandoned, abused, neglected. why would anyone do those things to them. why why why.

let’s talk happy stuffs.

i get to eat breakfast now and it feels like dunman all over again. but no sherly and the bunch of irritating people anymore, you are all missed! i particularly remember one morning after i stayed up all night to mug in the study room with marita for the first time. she went to jog, then we went for breakfast and talked. pretty memories :)
now, i tapao my food and eat alone in my room. but i eat, i happy.

i will be home 15 dec to 8 jan. i will be home for christmas’ eve. i will be home for christmas. i will be home for new year’s eve. i will be home for new year. i will be home for my cousin’s wedding, and its eve.

coffee no longer has any effect on me. this is good and bad at the same time. i no longer have that fast heart beat and headaches after i drink coffee. but i also can fall asleep right after i drink a nescafe. what else can keep me awake?
nescafe makes a lot of money in nus.

words of encouragement, prayers, chocolates, and a visit. for exams. thank yous. they are much appreciated.

enough sleep.

hssml and my fellow muggers.

new family. you know who you are.

i led the grace for dinner today. alright, no big deal, but i’m still learning how to say prayers properly. prayers are your heart expression, they shouldn’t be engineered, they should come right from your heart. you stand tallest on your knees. you can know yourself better by listening to your own prayers.
Lord, teach me how to pray..

i am inviting you to help me live by what i know is right. i want you to challenge, to inquire, to question me so that my actions line up with my convictions. my heart will betray me. i need you to help me fight the fight of faith and resist sin. i need you. i need to be reminded of reality. i need protection. i need help to be and do what i believe. i need to share and multiply my joy.

thank God i’m not alone.

i’ve just recently realised how wrong my definition of learning was and how exams-oriented i was. i thought scoring A’s in exams without working hard is so great. i thought the less i study the better. i thought it’s all about working as little as possible to score the best grades possible. i mugged for exams, but i didn’t really learn for life. the outcome was what matter, not the process itself. i thought being on a scholarship without really deserving it is happiness. i thought slacking my way off to the top is the best way to live my schooling life. i thought life was to be spent partying. i didn’t care to compete, i didn’t bother to work that hard. the society does judge intelligence by exams results, people care a lot about exams grades, your grades do determine your status. in a world where wrong seems right. i thought i was right.

it took me sixteen years of school to realise this. i’m kinda slow. i would want people who care about me to tell me this if they know it before i do.

i took God’s grace for granted. if i were Him, i would just abandon me. just like how i feel like abandoning my spoilt handphone.
why would He keep me in His plan?

whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men. col 3:23